Bali Life and Journal free style writings 2019
Protecting the artist child within. Judging my early artistic efforts and artist abuse, I can beat myself back into the shadows of my efforts then quit.
But do I really quit?
I gave it my best shot! I really did. I Traveled all over the world to study. I took classes, interned, read and devoured as much as I could. Di things most people would need to get licensed for to actually do.. Did most people would never imagine.
So yeah, I DID NOT QUIT.
I have many ideas, does not mean they all have to go into process. This is the artists way.
Being an artist and entrepreneur can be super exciting and lonely. So I write, I journal and meditate upon these things.
My tears are for…
My loss of my little girl within. No protection from the predators and seducers.
My life was filled with them and bully’s.
In my adult life unlearning these patterns has been difficult. Especially when those characters are my family and friends I chose along the way. Behaviorally learned and practiced to submit often, I had to fight.
Processing the realities of my stories and why I went through it and why I choose it as an adult are the answers to my healing.
I know I am “supposed to” get over it. PTSD and the tape loop are real. The firing and wiring are real. As i engage in this wild and free lifestyle it gives me the opportunities to see who I really am and who I am not based upon someone else’ s judgement.
The lovers I choose and how they choose me are reflections of these old patterns and new ones being developed. It’s a learning process.
Just like the alcoholic has to learn how to live without that habit so do I have to live without the habits that were a part of me for most of my life.
Learning how to have lovers and friends without getting attached… to outcomes, their own issues etc.
Finding my own inner peace, lover and friend.
Being alone, in silence, in nature of a Bali, I find out many of these questions and answers. Simply having the opportunity to just feel without analyzing, self sabotaging comes into the dance every once in a while.
It’s the old familiar friend I learned a s child. watching my parents practice it and I having to endure it. I learned how to cope with it.
What rewards and benefits there came with it:
Attention, self pity, deep analysis, depression, the high of doing the behavior (against my intuitions better judgment), and then feeling the big crash at the end.
Picking up the pieces and moving on to start the cycle all over again.
That is the formula and somewhere in the middle there is a choice. In yoga philosophy we call it samskara. Kind of sounds like scar right?
This scar, this tissue that is so tough, the memory the PTSD, the roots, the leathery tough fibourus bound sticky blockage that keeps the mind not pushing beyond it.
The minds memory or new memory hits this samskara and reverts to what it knows.
Here is an opportunity to break through this tissue with a new emotion or behavior that is so different so exiting, so powerful it melts this scar and allow the neurons and synapses to change, form, move on and the scar tissue dissolves.
And it must be done over and over to form a new pattern.
Transfer this memory this new pattern now from the mind to the heart where you feel good. As the heart is 200Hz more powerful than the brain.
So you feel from your heart in these new pathways and learn how to trust them as the little ninja passes along this super highway of freedom from the scars.
Fear blocks, beats down and bully’s these new pathways, emotions and memories.
Fear can be hated or embraced.
Fear is a mirror and a reflection of what you must face in order to break up the scars.
Look at a scar on your body and think of it got there.
Where were you going?
Was it enjoyable, horrible or both?
Where were you?
How did you react?
How did others react?
What did you to do next?
What was that experience like?
Did you have help and support or were you alone?
Were you scared?
Were you nurtured?
Did it involve others suffering?
Were they scared too?
Are you bound in memory with that person now?
How did it heal?
How did you heal?
How did you feel as you were healing?
How long did it take?
How did that make you feel?
How do you feel about your scar now?
Put that whole thing into a practice with a behavior and emotion.
Write it out and see if how you hole on to your samskara is similar with people and relationships?
Maybe it makes more sense now?
You may become more compassionate of self and the criticle you so vs. loving and forgiving you.
Use this metaphor to accept and forgive yourself and others actions and behaviors and MOVE THE FUCK ON!
EVERY DAY A PRACTICE